Miscarriage: Remembering Our First Child
You were so young, still forming in my womb, as anticipation of motherhood filled my heart. Everyone around us was so thrilled to hear the announcement that you were on the way. Each passing day I grew more and more excited, longing to hold you, to meet you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Psalm 139:13
Prayer Journal Entry: May 2, 2008
I am so excited I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it came back positive! I feel humbled and excited.
I read all the books and magazines on pregnancy, as if they could somehow fully prepare me for motherhood. I could tell you what size fruit you were each week. Does that count? I knew that your pumping heart had formed, and most of your essential organs. It gave me a sense of connection knowing what stage you were going through.
Prayer Journal Entry: May 14, 2008
I am currently worried about the pregnancy. Please, unless it is for some divine purpose, miscarriage is not for me. Please Lord protect our baby during this time. Strengthen him, prepare him for the journey ahead.
I wondered what color your eyes would be. Would they be blue like me and your Dad, or perhaps a surprise of brown or emerald green, with your own unique makeup and blend. How would you sound, as you asked me the sweet questions of your heart? Is your laugh contagious? Do your eyes sparkle with joy? Your siblings were playing hide and seek today, I am sure you would have loved it just like them, they all hide in the same spot, and there is always room for one more.
Prayer Journal Entry: May 17, 2008
I am feeling pregnancy signs again. Thank you, I was so scared. I am meeting with the OB/GYN on Friday, and I feel there is going to be life in there. It is a weight that has been lifted off of my shoulders. Help me see You in the little things today.
My soul glorified the Lord, and my Spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant.
Luke 1: 46-48a
When I was pregnant I prayed for your health, and that I would be a good mother. I wanted to be a mother since I was a young girl, and you were the answer to my prayer, the desire of my heart.
Prayer Journal Entry: May 18, 2008
I am humbled by the fact You have allowed me to be pregnant I know my weaknesses and shortcomings, and the strength I lack. But I feel you are entrusting this precious child to us, and in many ways reminding us of Your unfailing love. So thank you. Help me to be worthy of Your calling and name.
I didn’t know what motherhood entailed when I had you in my womb, the love learned through sacrifice, the appreciation of your God given uniqueness, knowing there is no one just like you, and no one can ever replace you.
Prayer Journal Entry: May 30, 2008
We just got our first ultrasound. A time of supposed happiness. But our dreams came to a halt. They found no heartbeat. Andy reminded me that all things happen for a reason. And there may be a bigger purpose for all of this. I feel so ready to nurture and love a baby. I don’t understand why this is happening.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
Job 1:21
I know you are in good hands, and your purpose was fulfilled, as God intended, but to be able to play with you for just a little bit, to spend time with you to laugh with you, to hold you.
You are so special, I wish I had a chance to tell you how thankful I am for you, and how much I love you. I would love to get that opportunity in Heaven. God has used you to forever change my life, and I am grateful.